Greetings!

There wasn't much in the way of amazing items last week, so I thought I'd share you with you a few of my favorite greeting cards I've picked up recently. I once thought I'd amass a large fortune selling these cultural gems, but there just isn't a good platform for selling unused, vintage greeting cards. Eventually I had to realize that my obsession with them wasn't so I could sell them... but instead to collect them. Eventually I send most of them out, as greeting cards are intended to be used. So, forgive me if you ever get one of these in the mail and the punchline is ruined.

We now live in an era of the Garfield greeting card, the Shoebox Greeting. But there was a time when those little cardboard containers of goodwill were slightly more raunchy, more booze-infused... and generally, more bizarre. Or just too damn cute. Like these:

Shhh... Basement Horrors

Sometimes when I'm entering an indoor sale, I feel like I just might be walking into a Silence of the Lambs type situation. Who's to say someone won't club me in the head and starve me in a well the minute I walk into their "basement sale"?



So I didn't find a skin-suit-making serial killer at this particular sale, but there was a lovely basket of doll parts and Barbie orgy to add to my blog photo collection:






At an estate sale on the South Side, Ed and I found some interesting books on skin and skin conditions:








But at the end of every tunnel of horrors is a lovely, cheerful wall hanging:



And check out this clock:




Do you think this wine is still any good?




Deal of the day -- this jukebox, for just $400 --

Garage Sale Dos and Don'ts

GARAGE SALE DOs and DON'Ts

DO select a start time and stick to it. If you're still dragging boxes onto the lawn at 9:08 a.m., I'm not hanging around to watch you unpack, even if you do swear you've got what I'm looking for in there.

DO sell bottled water. What an amazing upsell! I'll totally buy it, cuz I'm thirsty out here.

DO let your kids have a lemonade stand for the same reason.

DO list the time and date of your sale in all your advertising. No one wants to drive even a few miles out of their way for a sale that isn't happening until next week.

DO sort out what is for sale from what is not for sale, and make it clear. I can't tell you how many indoor sales I've been to where someone points to a bookshelf and says, "Some of them are mine, some are my roommate's... just let me know which ones you want and I'll tell you which ones are for sale." NO. You tell me which ones are for sale and I'LL tell YOU which ones I want. Jesus!

DO sell it to the first person who makes an offer. Remember, after 2 pm, Goodwill takes it for free.

DO price lots of stuff under a dollar. Even an Oxo brand spatula is only fifty cents. Seriously.

DO remember that yes, there are still suckers out there who, I swear to God, will pay 20 dollars for an electric tie rack. I've seen it happen. So keep an eye out for those garage sale supa shoppers.

DO price CDs, books, utensils and other multiple items in bulk, rather than individually. For instance, "CDs $2.00 or 3 for $5.00," not, "CDs -- prices as marked." At your garage sale, Rod Stewart and Death Cab for Cutie are interchangeable. Just... deal with it.

DO assume that most people are either buying stuff at your sale because they're too cheap to pay retail, or they're going to resell your stuff. We're not here to chit-chat about your collection or recoup you for what you paid for it at Sears.

DON'T pull stuff out unless you really want to sell it. I don't want to see all your treasured belongings on display, like your lawn has suddenly become a Saturday museum of your impeccable taste, with nothing priced under fifty dollars.

DON'T ever, EVER, EVER tell me that something is vintage and that's why you've priced it at 20 dollars. I swear, I'm going to start carrying around a can of oven cleaner and a lighter for the next person who justifies a ridiculous price by an item's age or, worse, "kitch" value.

DON'T confuse your garage sale with a retail store. Repeat this to yourself: it's a quarter, it's a quarter, it's a quarter.

DON'T price your computer monitor at 20 dollars. That shit is free to whomever will haul it.

DON'T price things based on what you originally paid for them. I can't stress it enough: I don't care what you paid for it, you can only sell it for as much as someone is willing to pay for it at a garage sale. This means a stainless steel trash can is 5 dollars. Baby clothes are 50 cents per garment. Your Samsung 20" television is ten dollars (five dollars after noon). And your George Foreman grill is FREE to the first taker.

DON'T expect your customers to have exact change. Have plenty of ones, fives and quarters, and have them ready. Don't disappear into the house like, "My husband has some change." Within 30 seconds, I'll just take your stuff.

DON'T price anything for 75 cents unless you are good at on-the-spot math.